One Heartbeat

This is more than I ever want to say to others about my ambition—more than is proper or wise for anyone, woman or man. To think that you will be privileged by history over others who have hitherto done more than you is almost a sin.

Work, thankfully, has gotten better since Akah Khera’s retirement and I feel like we might be developing a good professional relationship, even though we almost never engage in any social conversations to put faces to the work we exchange between us. Today was different on that account as well as many others. I spent the majority of last night tossing and turning, so I feel somewhat tired now, but at least the thoughts keeping me awake led to an overall good mood.

I know why I like the Progressive Movement now. I like the sense of history and purpose it has. I like the position that humanity can achieve anything as long as we all work together. Daybreak’s assumption that Ameisi humans are inferior to those off-world makes me think of how I was raised to feel as a Narahji in a nation where Shija holds the keys to everyone’s happiness. The people in the movement must not understand this way of thinking. Before I continue, I need to purge the randomness from my head so I can get back to that crystalline point of clarity I arrived at earlier today when I made that recording of my goals in the unoccupied toilets of the Progressive Movement’s fifth floor.

childhood memories dances sunlight dawn drumming dying gods sacred friendship heartbeats thunder dispelled illusions terror Likua painted hands kissing in the rain spinning in dresses daybreak bird-filled skies fulfillment children writing summer in the community real returns canyons hidden tears purpose daydreams sweet nut milk fear

Today, Akah Kara looked up from his desk today and asked me, What do you plan on doing with your life, Akah Nitannyi? He did not even look up from the screens on his desk, but I knew he saw how I bit my lip when he asked.

I’m very ambitious, sir, I replied. I plan on working here for a few years to learn how the national political system works. In 1869, I will go to our Deimo and request a job working with Narahja—maybe an appointment under one of her advisers if I’m lucky. If not, I will run to represent Narahja in the Senate in 1870. I plan on influencing policy in a big way at that point, but my plans are still flexible.

His eyes narrowed when he looked up, like he was trying very hard to see something that evaded him—an illusion, perhaps, or maybe he didn’t like hearing that I don’t plan on working for the Progressive Movement indefinitely. Why are you ambitious?

I hate how non-Shiji people are looked down on by everyone up here. To make sure the rest of us have a voice, I will need to be louder and more vocal than almost everyone in the Senate. I put aside some of my work and laced my fingers together on the table. His scrutiny made me feel lightheaded. The Progressive Movement and I have been close since I was a child, and I plan on maintaining that connection.

Akah Kara looked like the man in his old photographs for a moment, the age fading from his features like wax—but that was just a trick of the way light and shadow played across his face from the monitors. Tell me, have they ever tested you for the muakanua?

It doesn’t run into the family. Hearing that from him made my shoulders tense, and I wondered for a moment whether he had found someone to hack my journal. The Progressive Movement has a position of neutrality with regards to the nuameč, and he may not have liked what I wrote yesterday about them. Perhaps I should just delete that section of the journal entirely.

Sometimes, it doesn’t have to.

I stared at him. What do you mean?

I would just feel better if you got yourself tested. Call it an old man’s concern, but I really want you to have the opportunity to achieve all of your dreams.